well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
