forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
