as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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