Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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