I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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