mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
