You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
