so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize