Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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