Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
