I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
