Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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