Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
