ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
