It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
being pregnant is like rehab
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
