he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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