He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
