I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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