There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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