Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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