When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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