I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just had sex on a roof
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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