New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
