I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
