It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
