Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
