Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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