I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
