I skipped work to stalk him.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
