u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
