I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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