Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I will be naked everywhere
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
