Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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