My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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