I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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