I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
