I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
