She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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