That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
