Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
