just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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