it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
