I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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