I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
