Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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