If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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