i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
