No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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