I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
