respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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