my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
