okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
