it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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