When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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