it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
