remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
