Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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