think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
