Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
