I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
