it hurts more in the daytime
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
