Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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